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Sox Win Big, Split Up "Los Tres Santos"

by Mike DePilla
Thursday, April 15, 2010
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Mark it down for posterity. April 14, 2010: The first day we saw Mark Kotsay, Andruw Jones and Omar Vizquel in the same starting line up for the Chicago White Sox. With all three of their post-modern DHs in the lineup (and, ironically, all playing the field; Quentin DHed), the Sox lit up the Blue Jays last night.

What follows is a satire of a game recap. Reminder: that means these quote are NOT REAL.

Sox Irk Manager With High-Scoring, Blow Out Win

TORONTO - In a surprising reversal of fortunes, the White Sox offense exploded for a season-high 11 run and 15 hits in an 11-1 drubbing of the Blue Jays last night at Rogers Centre, despite disobeying manager Ozzie Guillen's strict rule to avoid blow out wins.

"If they think they are going to win by scoring 10, 11 runs a night they are full of sh**," a clearly-rattled Guillen said after the game. "I build this team to play close games, where every run counts. Tonight they think they are the '27 Yankees."

"We no have a tremendous offense," Guillen continued. "With the pitching we have, this team needs to be prepared to just do the little things to win, not go crazy and make a mockery of the game."

Andruw Jones and Carlos Quentin hit homeruns for the Pale Hose, prompting Guillen to say "now they think they are Barry Bonds out there."

When told that the Sox, who lead the AL in homers, were 4-0 when they hit two homers in a game and 0-5 when they don't, Guillen became more irritated.

"I no want to hear that horsesh**," he said. "That's no way to win. You don't like the way I do things? You can go follow the Cubs. Hey, if things no work out here I can walk away and get another manager job in a day. I tell that to Jerry and Kenny every day."

"This team is going to play in close games all season. Tonight they were unprepared, not ready for that," Guillen said, lamenting the fact the 7th, 8th and 9th inning of the game were meaningless and that several of his players relaxed with a large lead.

After Quentin's grand slam with no one out in the 5th inning, Guillen was seen angrily throwing his chewing gum to the dugout floor.

"I no want him to try to be a hero there, just get the runner in." Guillen later said."Why he hit a homerun there?"

Guillen later intimated he might consider using a suicide squeeze in similar situations in the future.


Back to reality...

Minor Mover: The Boston Red Sox claimed minor league relief pitcher Santo Luis off waivers from the Sox yesterday, assigning him to their Double-A affiliate. The move puts the White Sox 40-man roster at 39. Clearing room for a big acquisition? No, that does not mean Adrian Gonzalez is on the way. But it might mean the Sox are making room for Erick Threets or Greg Aquino, non roster pitchers that were impressive this spring, for bullpen relief.

Luis, a decent pitching prospect with a respectable K-rate, is not a big loss. Of the three Santoses in the Sox system- Luis, major-leaguer Sergio Santos and lefty Santos Rodriguez, Luis was the least important.

The saddest part of this is that the Sox will no longer be able to produce the cable access sitcom and/or local microbrew "Los Tres Santos." *(The good news is that I will no longer be as confused by the name "Santos" as I was when the three were interchangeable/ indistinguishable to me in 2009.)

When it comes to Sergio Santos, however, I am a believer. The guy has plus plus stuff, good poise and better control than I expected. I may have been the very first person in all of Yahoo Sports to pick him up off the free agent wire for my fantasy team. Hey, he's got a phenomenal K-rate!

*Is there anything better than lounging on the beach on a sunny Chicago summer with a cold, refreshing Los Tres Santos in your hand, or relaxing on your couch at home with a hilarious episode of Los Tres Santos on the TV?


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